What I've Learned.

Its been a long time since I was here. Its been ages since I have ranted in this beautiful dwelling place. It has been replaced by the uber-popular Facebook, where notes are easily accessible for every person to see. The core audience is there, being that each of my dearest and most favorite people use that site. But the personal feeling is gone, long gone.

Before I get started, for anyone who wants to read this and judge all Christians against me, I will try to deter you. I have not considered myself a Christian for a few months now, so please do not try and stick all Christians in the boat with me. I am a hypocrite, yes. The life I used to live, and the life I still want to live is the straight and narrow life. But the temptations the devil sets on you can be overwhelming.

These past few months have been a rough few months on me. I lost the love of my life to pride, anger, and a sense of adventure. I backed out of going to Crown College because of lack of faith, nerves, and a fear of change. I enrolled at Ridgewater College, but haven't done any work for it in a few weeks. In two weeks time I fully expect to receive my notice of Academic Suspension, putting me outside of school for the spring semester, and possibly further. I got an easy job at Radio Shack as a Waiting Store Manager, but the drama involved there presently just makes me want to scream. I've lost my best friends to Iowa, St. Bonifacius, and a new girlfriend (whom I think is great by the way). I've become the reclusive "emo" kid who I always used to taunt, but after every evening at work I come home to my empty apartment, alone. I haven't talked to God on a personal level in months. I haven't read a word in my Bible since June, and haven't gone to a church service since that time either. But this isn't necessarily a post about WHY I am not a Christian anymore, this is more of a "what i've learned" type posting.

Drinking isn't bad... but the stuff you do while you are drinking can be. Granted I have never gotten behind the wheel after having a few drinks, but that doesn't mean I haven't been a danger. I witnessed an absolutely horrifying thing happen to a really great friend of mine who had too much to drink, but yet I still try to justify myself in my actions. I try to tell myself that "hey, i'm in control" and that "i won't be one of the stupid people". But the truth is, i'm just like everyone else I used to lose respect for in the past.

Gambling isn't bad... but when you do it weekly, and are consistently dropping $100 dollar bills on the tables, and coming away with nothing it is. I again tried to justify my actions with those "big nights" where I would walk away with a gain, but truth is.. I definitely lost more then what I made this summer at the Casino. I've kept myself away and at bay for about a month now, and the urge isn't as strong as it once was. But even right now as I write this, I feel the temptation to sit down at the table, and get the rush involved with betting big.

Kissing isn't bad... but what it can lead to is. And the fact of the matter is, I have always had a problem of letting it lead to far. A kiss can be the most romantic of gestures, but when you have kissed more then 30 people since your first kiss 4 years ago (i can guarantee 30, if not 40 and a lot of them weren't just plain and innocent kisses) the romantic value is lost. And the fact of the matter is, did I have feelings for those 40 girls? Maybe 10 of them. I used 75% of them.

Lusting isn't bad... i mean we all lust, its a natural thing, right? but when that lusting leads you to stronger and stronger desires, that pull you further and further away from your loving girlfriend... Lust is a horrible problem. It's so hard to train my eyes, and my heart on looking purely at people. The desires become stronger, and stronger.. and you begin to lose more, and more of who you wanted to be.

Swearing isn't bad... but when you curse every other sentence, just to fit in, or just to sound "grown up", its not healthy. I went from cursing a lot -> to cursing rarely -> to cursing, but not around certain people -> to cursing heavily. In any given day I use words of a graphic nature in my vocabulary way too often.

God is ALWAYS there... i learned this years ago, and have been taught this ever since I was old enough to go to Sunday School. I know its true, but I just haven't felt anything in so long, that I find myself questioning the most basic part of faith. Its so easy to do everything that I am doing, because I can never see the look of disappointment on our Saviors face. My most life altering moment happened when my best friend Abby found out that I was messing around with one of her good friends.. the look of sheer disappointment on her face made me want to reflect on my life, and change..

I'm not sure why I am posting this. Maybe its the fact that I know I can change, and that I can make my life a more God pleasing, and happier life. Maybe its the fact that I am just crying out for my friends of old to not forget about me in their new surroundings. Or maybe, just maybe.. its my first step on the long and hard walk back to the Christian lifestyle.